


tis damn season

by highlandlass



Category: Outlander (TV) RPF, Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, Samcait - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:49:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highlandlass/pseuds/highlandlass
Summary: I felt like I needed to write this after that tweet. I can't help thinking about how Sam must feel if he sees that. If you are sad please don't read it because this is not a happy fanfic. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue. Again, this is how I imagine things, so do not be dissapointed. Also I apologize for my english,is not my native language. :)
Relationships: Caitriona Balfe/Sam Heughan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 26





	tis damn season

Pathetic.  
The only word that could describe him at this very moment.  
Sitting alone in your armchair, holding your third or it would be the fourth (?) Glass of whiskey. THE sassenach whiskey, he gives a embarrassed laugh “What a cruel irony” he thinks.  
It is inevitable that your thoughts will go back to that tweet.  
He takes out his cell phone and reads it again, many would say that he is torturing himself, thinking of someone who clearly overcame him and went on with her life,especially that night that he should be celebrating with his loved ones.  
How could he feel that he lost her when she has never been his in the first place, but he does not care, he decides he will be allowed to feel sad because of her even though it is Christmas Eve.  
She didn't lie - he thought. They are not married, but why does it hurt so much to look at those words? Maybe it's because she wrote that on a social network, where he knows that so many fans believe they are a couple, damn it. But he’s not a fan, he’s directly involved in this  
He feels ashamed.  
Damn woman you're tearing my guts out- he swore resting his head on the back of  
sofa.  
He closes his eyes for a moment.  
His cell phone rings. It takes him a minute to fade from his thoughts and realize this.  
He doesn't feel like talking to anyone but he still looks at the screen. His heart stops for a while and he has to force his eyes to focus.  
Incoming call “Balfe”  
Not "wifey" anymore. He thought that if it made her contact more impersonal it would help to forget her. He was obviously wrong.  
He clears his throat, takes a deep breath and decides to answer it. As tempted as he is to drop into the voicemail, he knows he would be unable to ignore a call from her.  
God, he's pathetic.

Hello - His voice is a little hoarse than usual.  
Happy holidays samwise! - She says, and he could swear that she's smiling, he can't see but he can feel. Great , he thought, she must be having fun while he thinks about the chance that she never gave it to him . Now you're being a bitter, selfish Sam!

Sam? - She asks

Hey - he coughs - Hey happy holidays Caitríona - He did not seem the least bit excited.  
She noticed, of course she does

Is everything okay? - She has concern in her voice.  
He hates it, how could she care so much about him and yet be so cold. OK  
Sam, you're doing this again. Just answer the damn question!

Everything's perfectly fine, why wouldn't it be? ” He replies crusty, trying to keep his voice firm, after four glasses of whiskey this is very hard.

You don't seem well… are you drunk? - She asks cautiously.

\- He can't keep his mind from taking him to December 2015, how everything was  
different, how they were different, and how he keeps thinking that night in his  
apartment, after that live on facebook, maybe they drank a little too much, but  
he remembers every moment, he remembers her perfume and how they felt so good  
together, he remembers her laughing at his embarrassing jokes, the way she snuggled into him before falling asleep and how in a moment of weakness or courage? He whispered an “I love you” while they were in their little bubble and for the first time they didn't care what others thought, that night they gave themselves to love. He never knew if she listened and also never had the courage to ask. He also remembers how he woke up alone, in an empty bed, her perfume remained there but she was gone. He remembers how he tried to talk to her after that and how she always changed the subject and said that they let themselves be carried away by the characters that they were playing and that what happened was a mistake. AND how they lived this farce until the day when at a dinner with the cast she announced that she was engaged, yes she would marry someone else, he would lose her forever. He remembers how he felt like saying how much he loved her, that they belonged together. He would have dropped to his knees, begging her to give him a chance, he was sure he could make her happy.  
But instead he put his best smile on his face and said he was happy for her. He  
could not hug her thought , it would be too much. He knew that if he had hugged her, he wouldn't have strength. He remembers giving some excuse to get out of there. She broke his heart in a million pieces, but honestly could he blame her? It wasn't her fault that he fell in love.  
And God, he remembers how stunning she looked in that wedding dress, he never  
thought he would see a bride more beautiful than Claire but Caitriona … she took his breath away.  
He tried to be happy for her, but one more time he had to leave before hugging her. And he left. They never talked about it.  
This was all too much.  
Without thinking he replies sharply:

Does it matter? That’s not the point of this damn celebration, getting drunk, doing stupidity and then pretending that nothing happened ?! - He spits.  
He's being an idiot, he knows that.

Where does that come from? - She's running out of patience.

I don't know why you care so much. It's not like we're married or anything. -

And there it was.  
He regretted the moment the words left his mouth. DAMN  
Silence.

Sam- He cuts her  
I'm sorry. - He sighs defeated. I did not mean that.  
She swallows hard, she can feel the pain in her voice.  
She has no idea what to say so she thanks him mentally when he continues:

I'm sorry, Cait, I'm being an asshole. I just have a lot on my mind right now. - He seems genuinely sorry.

She swallows.  
Sam I -  
You don't have to explain, you did not lie after all. That's not my place. I'm sorry,really. I hope you have an amazing night Caitríona-…  
He hangs up before she has a chance to say something that only makes him pour out years of feelings repressed, which could be ten times worse than this little “slip”.

That happened before, he thought. They would get over it and pretend that nothing happened. That was what they did, and they were very good at it, at least she was, he was always the "fragile" part of that relationship.  
"Relationship" He laughs again at his own thoughts.

Sam finishes his whisky glass at once and after picking up the bottle decides to go to bed, after putting the phone on silent.

She called him back, of course she did.

He needed to feel something besides pain. He drank a lot that night.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
POV. Cait;  
She was worried, angry but worried.  
Sam never ignored her messages, even when they fought.  
They hadn't fought that night, yes he was an idiot and hung up on her, why did he was behaving like that.

He saw the tweet.

Honestly she had no idea that he was going to see that, it looked so silly, why did he get so upset?  
She sighs when she calls him a third time and drops off on voicemail.  
She missed him, and hoped to have talked to him about anything, she just needed to  
hear his voice. He was so busy lately, with the book, movies and other projects, she  
missed her friend. And look what happened trying to call him.

Sam can be so childish at times! She thought.  
A voice in her head said that it was her fault, whenever he tried to talk about what  
whatever happened between them, she cut him off, to be honest she never allowed him  
talk about his feelings for her.

Damn Caitríona.

She decides that she won't let this ruin her night. If he wanted to talk to her, he  
should call.  
She makes a video call by zooming her family and friends and has a very good time  
talking and drinking with them, she almost manages to forget him. But she can't help  
feel something is missing. Sam.

His words still dancing in her thoughts " That's not the point of this damn  
celebration, getting drunk, doing stupidity and then pretending that nothing happened? ” Of course he was referring to Christmas 2015. She didn’t allow herself to think that night for a good time ... But now it is inevitable not to remember how he loved and adored her.  
She shivers at the thought.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was only much later that night that she heard her cell phone vibrating, of course, she couldn't sleep.  
She gets up a little too quickly and grabs her cell phone, she feels relieved and apprehensive when she sees the name glowing on the screen.  
It's him. On facetime.

She turns on the lamp light, settles comfortably on the bed, takes a deep breath and accepts the video call.

Cait… - His voice breaks her heart. She can tell he has been crying  
I'm here - She whispers.

She looks at him then, with red eyes and a little swollen face, he is wrapped  
in a cute blanket and he has that look on his face, that look that makes her want to drop everything and just hold him forever.

I'm sorry cait… - He says with a broken voice  
She lets out a breath that she didn't know she was holding.  
I was an idiot.  
Yeah you were  
She smirks a little. And so he does, even though he is upset, he can't help it.  
Are you mad at me? - He asks  
I was mad at you. - She pauses - But I'm worried Also ...  
You don't have to. I was just feeling alone before-  
Why are you alone in the first place?  
I think… maybe I wasn’t in the mood to answer so many questions that I don’t  
have the answers - he says tired .  
I'm sorry that you feel that way. I just don't like it when you shut yourself up to me. If something bothers you I prefer you to be honest about it. -  
Silence.

I tried. - | He whispers - So many times  
She can see that he is trying to control himself.  
I'm sorry i didn't help it with that. -

It's not your fault, I'm the one who should have learned to deal with these feelings. - He smiles sad  
Sam ...  
He interrupts muttering : Where is he?

She swallows.  
He is downstairs. Zooming in on some friends. - She responds quickly.  
He says nothing but keeps looking at her from the other side of the screen. God, she is so beautiful.No, don't let your mind go over there Heughan.

I miss you - He lets out a whisper.  
I miss you too- She feels a wave of emotions hitting her like a sword stroke, she wants to cry.  
I'm sorry that tweet hurts yo-

No. Please do not apologize, You did not lie- He says, trying to use all of his acting talent giving a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. Honestly I feel so stupid I-  
This time a voice from afar interrupts him.

Tony  
Babe have you seen- oh you are in a call- He approaches Cait.

Yes hm it is sam, we couldn't talk earlier, hm come her darling say hi to him.

He approaches the camera. Sam can say that he is drunk, otherwise he is never  
joyful.  
Hey there sam, happy holidays.  
Hi..tony hap-happy holidays, hope you are having a good time. - He says discouraged

Oh yes! WE are right? - He puts his arm around Cait. Sam doesn't think his night is  
it could get worse now.  
Great. That's fantastic. - fake smile

Well… I will leave you two with your- whatever you're talking about. I just came here to get my phone.  
Of course. Sam thinks.

Good to see you tony.  
Merry christmas - He raises his champagne glass to the camera, kisses cait on her cheek then leaves.  
Cait is embarrassed by this situation. But why should she be? He's your husband after all.  
A disturbing silence remains for a minute.

Well I hm should give you back to your husband soon - He coughs trying to sound cool

We should talk another day- She said kinda weird.

Of course. I'm looking forward to it. Thank you hum for -pauses- this  
She tries to smile  
Are you gonna be okay?  
I am always, no? - He looks sad.  
She feels she needs to do something.

Sam- can I see you tomorrow?  
He looks surprised. Christmas is tomorrow.  
so? - She asks  
Cait .. II dont think it is a good idea - He swallows  
Sam, please.  
She has to.  
He sighs.You know I could never say no to you.

I know. Goodnight sam. -She whispers

Goodnight Cait.


End file.
